Carolyn Hax: Aunt in white jeans hits sour note in otherwise ‘fabulous’ wedding 12JUL24

(Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

I do on occasion read the advise columns and think Carolyn Hax gives good advise. On this one I feel she is spot on and I really hope those whose behaviour she addresses realize just how badly they behaved. There is a lesson in her advise for all of us. From the Washington Post..... 

Carolyn Hax: Aunt in white jeans hits sour note in otherwise ‘fabulous’ wedding

Should this writer say something to the sister-in-law who seems to have underdressed for a “fabulous” wedding on purpose?

July 12, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT

By Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax started her Washington Post advice column in 1997, after five years on the Style desk and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis — Carolyn's ex-husband — and appears in dozens of newspapers.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I recently hosted the wedding of our daughter in the historical museum of our beautiful upscale California beach town. The reception was described as “cocktails, dinner and dancing,” and children were not included. Dress clearly was listed as “festive cocktail attire.” It was a fabulous event, with cuisine stations all our friends raved about, a 12-piece live band, colorful floral arrangements and lovely decor, and the warmth and affection of 170 of our wonderful family and friends. Everyone was dressed beautifully, with one weird exception: my husband’s older sister, who lives in an even more upscale nearby town, but who arrived at our event looking like she had just taken a walk on the beach, in white jeans, casual sandals and the sort of untucked shirt you might throw on to go grocery shopping. Meanwhile, her husband had followed our dress code, as did her daughter in a lace designer cocktail dress and stilettos.

This older sister was the topic of much speculation among our guests. Several of our daughters’ friends thought she worked at the wedding venue. One friend cheekily asked if she was living in a home for the aged and suggested perhaps they hadn’t dressed her properly.

I wonder if my sister-in-law did this on purpose out of jealousy, as her own daughter, a decade older than mine, appears content not to marry her longtime partner.

All the speculation has very much hurt my husband, who remembers what his sister did at our own wedding more than 35 years ago: I had met her only a couple of times but included her on a group trip to choose bridesmaid dresses. Afterward, she phoned my husband to demand that he pay for her dress.

I had put this incident completely out of my mind until she showed up at my daughter’s wedding dressed inappropriately. What do you think we should do or say, if anything, about her attire?

— E.

E.: Were the cocktails being served on a lawn? At a dive bar, on my patio, by a firepit, slope-side, poolside, pole-side? I have no doubt “festive cocktail attire” was “clearly listed,” but as a wardrobe directive, it’s arguably meaningless. At least it could be to anyone invited for cocktails who imagines being festive wherever they will enjoy the company.

Am I being disingenuous? A wee bit. I tend to get that way when it is just expected that people will know and obey the inexplicit language of class so unquestioningly that white jeans would pass for offensive.

I definitely get that way when rancid elitist sport-gossip isn’t deemed offensive but a comfy outfit is. She’s a doddering oldster! No, the seethingly envious mother of an old-cake unwed! No, worst of all [gasp], an employee?! And decades ago as a bridesmaid, she possibly made a faux pas?! How will your poor husband ever show his face among these “wonderful” “upscale” “friends” again?!?!

They’re cheeky, yes, if you mean in the sense of a backside.

I include all of you, to a one. Everyone “speculating,” taking a well-dressed, frost-hearted stab at her clothes.

The only thing any of you should say to her about her attire is thank you, for the mirror held up to your souls.

Excessive? Okay: to your values, then. Gracious hosts take pride in making all their guests feel welcome and wanted — not in putting on the most photo-ready show while hiding knives in their festive pleats. If being a gracious guest means winning Pin the Barb on the Auntie, then I’ll just see myself out.