Let me explain:
A couple years ago I returned every email and FB message from strangers and seminary students and desperate pastors. All of them. I wanted to be like my friend Phyllis Tickle: gracious and accessible. But I’m not Phyllis Tickle and when I was really able to be honest with myself (which is rare and generally feels like torture), well, when I was able to be honest about it, I saw that I wasn’t answering the emails because I actually cared about the people. I don’t care. That may sound harsh, but I care deeply about my friends and family and parishioners — they are mine to care about. It’s not possible to spread that to thousands of unknown people on the Internet. I wasn’t returning all the emails from strangers because I cared about them. I was doing it to try and manage how they thought of me. I didn’t want people to start saying “Oh, Nadia? Yeah…I emailed her once but apparently she thinks she’s too good to return my email.” And that was about it.
But:
1. I can’t manage what people think of me
and
2. it’s a waste of time and energy to even try.
So now about 85% of the time I send a standard reply:
Thank you for contacting me. I’m sorry to say that I receive more emails from outside my parish than I can answer and have been advised by the leadership team at my church to send this standard reply and hope for people’s understanding that I am simply unable to respond to requests for my time or correspondence outside my parish responsibilities and home life.I was afraid that if I sent a standard reply like this that these people I don’t even know would, what?…not invite me to their birthday party? I mean, seriously. But what has been surprising is how I now get replies back like: “Thanks for modeling how to say no. Good for you. I should try doing that more”
Peace to you,
Nadia
I do say yes, but my yes is reserved for my family and my parish and for some public events that benefit the broader church.
So I’ve developed a list of different kinds of no:
There’s saying no because I’m too busy.
There’s saying no because I am protecting my schedule from becoming too busy.
There’s saying no to requests to co-sign on someone else’s bullshit.
There’s saying no because the request has more to do with a projection than a reality.
There’s saying no because I want to protect them from their own request being granted (example: no, really, I’m the LAST person you want leading a women’s retreat. Trust me on that.)
There’s saying no when I really could say yes because I want to be able to be at home doing nothing with my kids.
There’s saying no because what is being asked of me is simply not mine to do.
There’s saying no because it will be good to show the other person how to say no.
There’s saying no so that I can say yes to the next request that might really be mine to do.
Women especially get the message that they are not allowed to say no and if they do say no they should feel really bad about it. This is a lie.
My friend Sara told me that when I write an email or letter telling someone no, to write it, walk away for 20 minutes, then come back and take out all the apologies because they make me “sound like a girl”.
Now I try and say no graciously and with some humility but without apology.
Certainly we should all say yes to some things that are inconvenient or not on the top of our list of how we’d like to spend our time. I’m not talking about trying to pawn off narcissism as a virtue. I’m just suggesting that sometimes we say yes for really stupid reasons and then spend our time or energy on things that rob us from being able to say yes to things that are actually ours to do and care about.
Lastly, if you need to say no, you do NOT need to try and borrow the authority to do so from the person you are saying no to. Would it be ok if I need to say no? Oh I’m so sorry. I hope that’s ok. Are you ok with that?
Yikes. Stop it. (note to self)
The Spiritual Practice of Saying “Yes!”
Yesterday I wrote a blog post about the spiritual practice of saying “no”. I stand behind the suggestion that there is value in discerning what is ours to do and what is not ours to do and that a growing self-awareness around why we say yes or no is a good thing.
The other side of knowing what is mine to do and what is not mine to do is this: The Spiritual Practice of Saying “YES”.
Any Pastor or leader of an organization that requires a great deal of volunteerism to function can attest to how frustrating our culture of selfishness can be. The people who are inclined to say yes to everything do all the work and then burn out and become resentful about the people who are inclined to say no to everything. It’s as though the world is divided into martyrs and slackers.
The truth of the matter is that when I am filling every part of my life with busyness and meeting everyone’s needs and am resentful and bitter and self-righteous about it all, it sure doesn’t feel like I’m “more spiritual” or “more Christian” than the guy who spends all his time avoiding commitment so he can entertain himself to death. Yet at the same time, one of the biggest lies that surrounds us is that if we “get all our needs met” then we will be happy. When the need for pedicures and a new boyfriend and the latest gadget and lots of “me” time and more money is met then we will pull the lever and the jackpot of human happiness will pour out onto the floor.
What is really twisted is how I can basically turn almost any form of selfishness magically into being a virtue if I just call it “self-care”.
And at the same time, there are weeks in my life where stopping everything and just spending an afternoon going to a movie so that I don’t totally burn out and lose it is the best thing I can do for myself, my church, and my family.
Some of us need to know how to say no to what is not really ours to do. And some of us need to know how to say yes to what might be ours to do, we just don’t feel like doing it. And most of us are both of these people.
But any yes that results in a feeling of self-righteousness or resentment of others is not the spiritual practice kind of yes. It’s just another form of self-centeredness when I think I am better than others because I am so selfless.
So, I wonder if maybe freedom and gratitude, and NOT guilt, co-dependancy, self-hatred and self-righteousness might be the best sources for healthy “yeses”
So here are some yes examples:
There’s saying yes because I need to escape my own self-centeredness and it’s a blessed relief to think about someone else for awhile.
There’s saying yes, for example, to cleaning up after church because it might not be my joy, it might just be my turn.
There’s saying yes to giving away 10% of my income because it frees me from that amount of money and releases it into the world where it’s less likely to be hoarded or used to indulge myself and more likely to do good.
There’s saying yes because I’m so grateful for what I have and I have to give it away to keep it (my church, forgiveness, sobriety etc)
There’s saying yes because community is at its best when everyone does their part to support what they believe in (Thanks NPR!)
here’s the best one:
There’s saying yes because it is an act of freedom and a response to God’s yes.
If anyone ever figures out how to get all of this right, please let me know. Also, if you attend a church, for the love of God, please say yes to giving money and helping to clean up.
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