SOME HUMOR TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY Jewish Haikus-Jewish Buddism

And before anyone gets too excited these were sent to me by a Jewish friend with a great sense of humor......thank you Andy

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish  swims with
great difficulty.

Beyond Valium,
peace  is knowing one's child
is an internist.

On Passover we
opened  the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

After the warm  rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her  lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's  disease.

Today I am a man.

Tomorrow I will return
to the  seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs  softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me  to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Like a bonsai tree,
is your  terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Jews on safari --
map,  compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same  kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The  shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my  problems.

Mom, please! There is no

need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call.  At the tone

please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so  much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild  shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast:  feh.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy!  To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue  services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me  while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the  lights.
White yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

And since  we're in an Eastern mode, here's some
Jewish Buddhism for you

If  there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be  someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and  nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip,  satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a  Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another  story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect  health, or a life without

 problems
What would you talk  about?

The journey of a thousand miles 

begins with a
single  Oy.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never  called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was  that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain  nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does  not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The  Tao has no expectations.
TheTao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is  not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe  out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your  problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness  be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.

You'll never meet the Buddha  with such rounded

shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand  flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten  thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of  your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every  physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah  says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no  self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.